Healing and Finding Love with Love Coach Carisa Montooth - Ep 59

Are you ready to believe that loving relationships transcend the age of 40 and even redefine the expectations of love? Get ready for an enlightening discourse with Carisa Montooth, a love coach with an 87% success rate in making love stories happen. As a sixth-generation healer, author, and speaker, Carisa reshapes narratives around love and relationships, especially for successful women. We journey through her book, "The Heartache Cure," unraveling the wisdom hidden in its pages on finding divine life partners.

Navigating through the complexities of relationships, we unravel the importance of self-work and healing in relationships. We dive into the essence of self-sabotage and how confidence plays a crucial role in attracting emotionally healthy and mature partners. Amidst discussing these, we also venture into how societal expectations can cage women into perceiving themselves as weak, thereby lowering the bar for men. But not everything is dark and gloomy. Carisa’s refreshing perspective on self-empowerment for women opens a pathway to transformative relationships.

From the cryptic path of first-date conversations to the maze of online dating, Carisa guides us through it all. We discuss the right dose of sharing on a first date and the dangers of attempting to mend someone else's hurt. She emphasizes the importance of self-love and how focusing on self-care can significantly amplify your ability to find and maintain a meaningful relationship. Tune in for an empowering discourse that will revolutionize your approach to love and relationships.

To download Carisa's The Heartache Cure™ e-book, please click here.

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Chapters

• 0:20 Finding Love
• 13:52 The Importance of Self-Work in Relationships
• 21:40 Healing and Manifestation in Relationships
• 32:50 Navigating First Date Conversations
• 39:06 Meeting a Partner Outside Online Dating
• 45:51 The Importance of Self-Love in Relationships

Transcript

Ellen: 0:21

Hey, tish, you know we've both kissed our share of frogs looking for that one great last relationship that we both want, right, absolutely.

Tish: 0:32

And today yeah, absolutely.

Ellen: 0:34

Today we're going to talk to Carissa Montooth, who is a love coach, a healer, an author and a speaker. She's a counselor that is taught extensively about topics relating to relationships, love, personality types, personal development and the power of creating change through mindset shifts.

Tish: 0:56

So, alan, I am really looking forward to this discussion. When you know, when, did dating become so hard?

Ellen: 1:07

I would say in the last five years.

Tish: 1:09

I don't know about you, but I think for the last decade for me. So I know we both feel and I know that I think we need our own love coaches and I just want our listeners to know that Carissa has an 87% success rate with people she coaches to help them find their person in three to six months.

Ellen: 1:36

That's impressive, and I know we're both going to learn something from Carissa today, tish.

Tish: 1:43

Carissa is an awakening dynamics energy healer practitioner and a sixth generation healer.

Ellen: 1:51

That's amazing, and I know we're going to dive into what a sixth generation healer is when we get her online here in a minute. But you know she helps women especially successful women and women over 40, attract what she calls a divine life partner or a soulmate, without riding the endless merry go round of bad dates that I know you and I were talking about earlier today, right?

Tish: 2:19

Exactly. So here's the thing I think this is such an important conversation that we are going to skip our obsessions this week because we need and we know many of you need to know what Carissa has to share today. So this week, carissa is our obsession.

Ellen: 2:38

Yes, and her book he Heartache Cure, so I think we need to put that in there as well. Carissa is our obsession this week. We'll put a link to that in our show notes.

Tish: 2:51

So welcome to the podcast Carissa, we are so happy to have you here with us today. We'd love to hear about your background. What was your journey to starting a love coaching practice?

Caris: 3:04

I am so excited to be here with you, tish and Ellen, this is. I love listening to your podcast, so actually getting to be on your podcast is such an honor and a pleasure. So my journey to becoming a love coach was kind of like a long thing that I tried to get out of. It was like a destiny I was kind of trying to dodge because as I grew up, I'm a sixth generation healer. So the women in my family have always been really spiritually awake, particularly on my mom's side of the family, and we were sort of that family, especially with my grandmother and her relatives going back. We were kind of that family on the outskirts of town that people would come to for help with kind of like changing the circumstances of their situation and kind of like old fashioned root workers or conjure workers or what they were called back then, which was just a particular kind of energy alchemy. And I always was like, okay, that's totally normal, of course that's normal Growing up with that. But as I got older, as I was a teenager and then in my early twenties, I was like, oh, this isn't normal to a lot of people, this is very woo woo. I was like I've got to do something that's like legit, because people are going to look at what I'm doing to me like that's super strange.

Caris: 4:33

So I got my degree in psychology. I knew I wanted to help people, so I got my degree in psychology and then I got my degree in counseling and I wrote a book called Job Hack. That was about personality types and how you can connect your personality type and your values with a career that you would love. And so I was teaching classes that were about that and kind of helping to guide people through the college journey. And I would have women who would come up to me during class and they would say you know, you were talking about personality types and I know that I'm this personality type and my boyfriend or my partner, you know, is this personality type and how can I talk to him about deepening our relationship or how do I know if we're actually going to be able to make it, because we're so different or those kinds of things. And I was like I can help you, but not in this setting.

Tish: 5:25

They just knew. They knew you could help them. They were seeking you out, pulling you back in. I love that Right.

Ellen: 5:32

You were definitely getting pulled back in, weren't you curious?

Caris: 5:34

Absolutely. I was yeah, I always think of it like that, like that, like from the Godfather Every time I try to get out.

Tish: 5:44

pulling me back in is really how it felt, because your ancestors must have been saying she might try to leave her gifts, but they're going to pull her back in.

Caris: 5:54

They were like oh no, you don't, this is what you're going to do. And even when I was taking steps to create like a coaching practice on the side, while I was still counseling, I was still kind of trying to keep it like within the guardrails of what I thought was kind of acceptable, like to academia or to what we think of as certified coaching and those kinds of things. And then I had a client once who was really in deep heartbreak. Her heart was broken and the pain from it had gone on for months and months and months and it was a really deep. It wasn't the kind of thing where I could just say you know, just get out there more and blah, blah, blah, blah blah. That's not the kind of advice that I get, anyway, but it's not the kind of thing where it would be like a coach. It wasn't a coaching situation, it was a healing situation and I knew what I could do for her.

Caris: 6:50

But it was the first time I was doing it in that sort of capacity. So I asked her you know, I know something that we can do. Would it be okay if we do this thing together? It's going to be kind of unusual. It might not be something that you're used to, but it's an energetic thing, you know. Would it be okay if we do that together? And she was like yeah, I'm up for it, you know.

Caris: 7:09

Said okay, great, so we did it, and it was a type of connecting an energy and asking for a protection and a healing, and what ends up happening is that they feel better the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day or the next day, and after a couple of weeks, the feeling is like I remember feeling bad, like that, but I don't feel it anymore. Oh, wow. So I knew that we could do that together and we went ahead and we did that and the next couple of weeks later, when we had our session, she said I don't know what you did last time, but we should have been doing that every single time, like we need to do that every time, wow.

Caris: 7:52

And I was like, okay, then this is what I do. Now I am bringing this into my practice and it's going to be a permanent part of what I do. And that was when I really began to identify and describe what I do as energy healing and love coaching. Because the love coaching part actually speaks to our conscious mind and how we think of the decisions we're going to make and the actions we're going to take. But the healing part of it is we can't do any of the actions or decisions if we are still feeling the wounds of heartache or the fear that it might happen again or the belief that it's impossible for us or all those kinds of things. We have to address those things and heal those things. And then it's like we take the parking break off and now you can really go forward into what's waiting for you, what the positive reality that really is there for you. You can actually see it now.

Ellen: 8:53

I love this idea of combining these two. And do some of your clients not even realize that they have wounds to be healed? Are they kind of just going along saying there's no, no God, I don't know if you're a guy or gal or person for me out there, but do you actually bring that kind of recognition to the process occasionally or often?

Caris: 9:17

Absolutely yeah, because what it looks like to them nobody is sitting in their living room or sitting on their bed going. I really have this really deep, energetic abandonment thing going on and I should probably see somebody. You know what I mean. Like we don't do that, right, right, and what we do is we say how come this keeps happening to me over and over again? What's wrong with me? Why do does this keep happening to me? You know, or we sit and we go. Well, it's just going to be harder, because now that I'm this age, the dating pool is way smaller, and so it's just going to be impossible for me, or it's going to be way harder for me.

Caris: 9:57

Or we go well, I'm a single mom, so I'm going to have to lower my standards because nobody wants to be with a single mom. Or we go once I lose some weight, then I'll be able to date because I feel more confident. Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. So the way that those actual wounds and beliefs and even attachments and energy to an ex that are still intact, the way that those things show up, is in a way that we just think those are our normal thoughts. We don't question that as reality, we just think that that's what's true. You know so that when people come to me, they're usually in a place of going, like I don't know what this energy healing thing is that you're doing, but it's obviously important because I've tried everything else.

Tish: 10:40

You know, Carissa, it's funny because, you know, over my years and years of dating, I would say to my friends, it's because. They would say oh, it's them, it's not you. And I kept saying no, I think it's me, I'm the comment in all of it.

Tish: 10:54

I knew something wasn't right, but I just didn't know how to fix it necessarily. But it's not a you know come. You know, I'm not coming down on myself. No, I knew something. There was a disconnect and I kept saying no, no, it's me. I don't know why it's me, but it's me.

Caris: 11:14

Well, yeah, it's not like a worthiness thing, it's not that, like you, as you are in this moment, are not deserving of love, because you absolutely are Right. Right, and we create these beliefs about what is possible for us, what's possible in love, what's available to us, you know, and then we think that we create those and they become laws for our life and we literally the parts of our. You know, we have this reticular activating system right, which is like parts of our brain and how they all function together that have to do with selective, selective attention. So it's like what we give our attention to and we actually program that to say, like, see more of what I think is true or what I think is important in the world. So we think we're just responding based on reality.

Caris: 12:03

You know, but we're actually creating that reality because of what we're focusing on right, you know, almost like a manifesting it in a way. But Exactly like a man with that. Yeah, yeah, that's. The other part of it is that that you know, 80 to 90 percent of our decision-making, but also 80 to 80 90 percent of what we manifest in our lives, all comes from those things that we believe in our subconscious or hold in our subconscious.

Ellen: 12:29

Oh yeah, I know we're gonna jump into this a little bit more, but I think a good thought for me when we first met and I asked you this what is the difference between, say, a love coach or a traditional matchmaker?

Caris: 12:44

Yeah, so love coaches and matchmakers work with the same people, but they do a completely do completely different things, right? So what a love coach does and really what I I probably should explain a little bit of the difference between love healer and love coach too, because sure, a love healer like what I do we help people actually restore themselves to their strongest sense of self, so that their heartbreak or their beliefs about love, so that those things are healed. And then what a love coach does is say, okay, so here's how you actually can go out and date. Here are communication skills that are important for you as you're doing this. This might be a self-sabotagey thing to pay attention to, so let's look at that. Let's get some clarity about what it is that you actually want in a partner, because it's so often we are really focused on what we don't want in a partner, right, because we're like I've been through that, I lived through that. I don't ever want to do that again. So we're very focused on what we don't want. So I help as a coach, help people turn that into okay. Here's a clear picture of what we do want, right?

Caris: 13:53

What a matchmaker does is a matchmaker says I am going to guarantee you a particular number of introductions based on whatever the packages that you're purchasing from me and they're going to match whatever those quali whatever those qualities are that you stated that you wanted.

Caris: 14:14

So a lot of times with the people skip kind of the healing part and the coaching part, go right into matchmaking. It's kind of it's not as helpful for them because the matchmaker is going to bring you those, those, those dates, right, those introductions, but they can't create chemistry, mm-hmm, they can't help you with clarity. They're not really going to help you recognize if you're self-sabotaging because this could be the a perfect person for you at the wrong time in your life, mm-hmm. Or a perfect person for you but not in the mindset that you're in, it actually might trigger self-sabotage because they are so right for you Right because that is. We've never had that. If you've never had that, the first healthy relationship you have with somebody that actually wants to be with you and gets you is the scariest relationship you can never have, because it's like this is completely new and and it feels great and totally unfamiliar.

Ellen: 15:12

And I'm gonna find something wrong with it.

Caris: 15:16

Or I'm gonna imagine I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I'm gonna Imagine that you, once you get to know me more. This is all gonna fall apart. Right, this is all gonna fall apart or something. It's gonna be perfect. And then I'm gonna get used to it and it's gonna feel good, and then it's gonna fall apart.

Tish: 15:36

You know what's some of the benefits that someone's gonna have from working with you. You know a love coach and Can you share typically how you start with the client?

Caris: 15:48

Yeah, absolutely so. When I work with with clients, the biggest benefit that they get out of working together it would seem like it's that they are meeting their person, which is an amazing benefit, but really the benefit is that there's their strongest sense of self is restored to them, mmm-hmm, and it's that they're able to actually sustain that happy, healthy relationship With themselves. It's all with themselves.

Caris: 16:18

Yeah, with themselves, and it's so that they know and this is a weird thing to think about as you're in the dating kind of process. This is a concept that it takes people sometimes a little while to get to this point because we go well, the point of it is, and I'm gonna be with someone and that's gonna be fantastic, it's gonna be that relationship, that is the other side of my heart and it's gonna be wonderful. That's all true, but the thing that actually is the, the biggest sense of security and sense of safety is when you're in that relationship and you're like this is wonderful, this is beautiful, this feels so amazing and if, for some reason, this is just for this time in my life, I will be fine and I will have more love, because love is abundant. So we're not in that relationship and then going I've got to hold on to it, no matter what happens here. Yeah, I've got to make. If we don't grow in the same way, I've still got to stay here. Mm-hmm.

Caris: 17:24

You know what I mean. It's like there, there's always, that's something that we don't look at. It's always like there's this destination and the end of the journey is you're gonna be With this person and it's gonna be wonderful. It's gonna be forever, but it's really. I am creating a deep sense of safety within myself and intrinsic understanding of my own worth, a feeling that the world is safe and abundant for me and my life is fantastic and I'm inviting you to be a part of it with me.

Tish: 17:55

Mm-hmm, is this what men will a lot of times call, like they're looking for somebody who is Confident.

Caris: 18:05

That's what confidence means to men, and Allison Armstrong talks a lot about this when she talks about the difference between frog farmers earlier, where she would talk about frog farmers, you know, because it's this concept of like women, you know, kind of turning men into they're kissing by how they're focused so much on the negativity or all those other kinds of things. But yeah, it's, it's this concept of, you know, men Seeing confidence in women as women, believing that the world is a safe place for them where their needs can be met. And when men are, um, when, when men see a woman who's like that, when a man who is emotionally healthy, emotionally mature, you know in healthy masculinity, when he sees the woman who is confident in that way, he feels like he can start out kind of winning with her. You know, because she's a person who Already believes the world is wonderful, so whatever he contributes to her that makes her happy is like on top of it's like surplus goodness.

Tish: 19:11

Right, you know so why, I was gonna say so why are all the books we read as young girls um a damsel in distress?

Ellen: 19:23

Well, I just just the opposite.

Caris: 19:25

Well, I'm a lot of that and and we're seeing a little bit of this too right, we, we, we want to focus on healthy masculinity, but sometimes we do have to look at unhealthy masculinity. Right. We do sometimes have to look at harmful impacts of Misogyny or patriarchy or things like that in terms of how women are socialized, right, and that is something that comes up because it's like this idea of if we socialize women to think of themselves as weak, then they will settle for less, which makes the bar lower for men.

Caris: 20:07

And Ouch and so true right, because one of our superpowers as women is that we will jump into a situation and make it as good as we can.

Tish: 20:20

Right, right, yeah, we're gonna fix it, we're gonna fix it all.

Caris: 20:23

We're gonna make it beautiful, we're gonna enhance it, we're gonna make it like thriving and gorgeous and wonderful for everyone. Right, we don't think before we get into it, is this the best place for me to put all of my wonderfulness? Like, is this really a place that that actually I can have what I need? Here, too, we a lot of times will think, well, I love this person and I'm gonna jump in here and it's gonna be fantastic, you know, and and we, because that's what we do, we're, we're magical in that way and that we can come into situations and just make them so much More amazing. Women are the keepers of civilization, you know. Like that's what we do.

Ellen: 21:01

We are, we are, I mean. I think one thing I've learned is that Someone said this to me, Carissa that A home is a fixer upper. Somebody a year in a relationship with, male or female, is not. You have to love and accept them For who they are now and not want to change the way they dress, how they act, their personality. The same way we want to be loved and accepted, you know, for for who we are, authentically.

Caris: 21:31

Exactly right. Yeah, we want a partner, not a project. Exactly, we don't want our partner to think of us as a project either.

Tish: 21:39

Right, right. So, carissa, how long do you usually work with clients to kind of get them to a point of you know the healing part and then kind of being open For someone to come into their life?

Caris: 21:54

Uh well, usually we work together For about six months and they usually start to see changes within the first three months of that, because the way that I work with my clients is that the I do this in five steps. So the first step and it, it, um, the steps are always the same, the order is always the same, but the length of time that we're sort of in each section kind of varies for each client, because people are so such individuals, right? So we start out with healing deep, energetic healing and generally during that time we're, uh, looking at things that that came up in their family of origin, that taught them what love is. So when you, uh, your mom and your dad are your number one and number two, that teach you what love is. So they teach us how, um, they teach us if we need to jump through hoops to get love. They teach us do we need to be worthy of love? Do we need to earn love? Is love unconditional? They teach us what relationships look like and what our role would be in a relationship.

Caris: 22:54

All of these kinds of things, and even the absence of one of those people teaches us about love, right, um, and we go into those that. We go into that. We go into any energetic Ties that they may still have to an x, because we need to clear those things in energy. Um, that's part of what I do as an energy worker um, we go into specific, uh, limiting beliefs that they may have about love, and those are things like um, it's such a weird thing. One of the common beliefs is I need to lose weight to be attractive. But it's like women who weigh 100 pounds to women who weigh 250 pounds all believe they need to lose weight to be attractive. So that's not true, because if you weighed 180 pounds and you lost 160 pounds, there are still women who weigh 160 pounds who think they should weigh 140 pounds, and those women think they should weigh 100. So it's like it's this ever moving thing which really is just a mask, for I need to heal my relationship with my body.

Ellen: 24:02

That hits home, carissa, in a big way. I know not to speak for you, Tish, but for both of us. Oh, no, yeah, no, no.

Tish: 24:11

Yeah, I had. Over the last 30 months I've lost 100 pounds. So kind of healing, you know, to look at my relationship with my body and my house. It's definitely been a journey.

Caris: 24:24

Yeah, so you're healing your relationship with your body. Yeah, and that's a really powerful thing because that's self love. When people talk about, oh, what's self love? And it's like, well, part of it is self care.

Caris: 24:38

But, really I'm healing my relationship with my vessel. Yeah, you know, yeah, so that's amazing and that's really powerful. So that's the beginning of what we do is those deeper energetic things. Sometimes it has to do with clearing a specific belief, and there are a lot of different ways that we do that in energy. Sometimes it has to do with healing a particular wound that's left from a breakup, which is where the heartache comes in with the five breakup things, right, but we do that deep healing. I've even had to do healing. That's about.

Caris: 25:14

I've worked with women who have had a difficulty with with healing and with moving forward because they were pregnant and didn't realize at a time in their lives that they were pregnant, but their bodies remembered and they had lost that pregnancy and they were grieving it still in their body. Their body remembered, but they weren't consciously aware of it. So sometimes we will do muscle testing in different types of modalities so that we can connect. Your body and your subconscious are like that. So your body, the things your body remembers, might not be consciously available to you, but your subconscious knows. So we can look at that and your body will say, yes, there was a pregnancy, yes, I was this old, yes, this is what happened.

Caris: 25:59

So we do a lot of really deep energetic work to really come to a place where we have a really good, stable foundation. Because it's like with a doctor if you are going to do any kind of like medical intervention with someone, they have to be strong enough for that, they have to be able to, but you have to be doing that in a way where it's not causing additional harm. You're not re-traumatizing anyone. You have to really set the stage for that and ensure that the point is for them to always be in their strongest sense of self and for you to help them get there, love or no, outside relationship or not, because it's healing this relationship Right. So that's a lot of what we do in the beginning is focus on the healing part.

Caris: 26:48

We get to the part that we don't. That can sometimes take a really long time in therapy to get to, because we're not talking about. It's not your mindset that makes you feel that you're still attracted to an ex. It's that you have an energetic cord that is still connected to that ex and we need to heal that energy and gradually, when that happens, you will feel the impact of that and it will feel strange, because it will be like I'm used to thinking of them all the time and I don't and I don't know how, but I don't. So it's like we get used to feeling better through the energy. Yeah, and then the second part of what we do is we get really clear on what we actually want in a partner, because that is actually the beginning of manifesting and that is the beginning of actually opening our energy to allow them to come to us, because we put out such a clear picture of what we want when we do that.

Ellen: 27:51

You know, I have a friend. I just was out with her last weekend and she's single and she said I need to take a minute to open my heart because she was wanting to meet someone. We were listening to some music and I thought, huh, okay, I really like that. She wanted to even change her stance. You know what I mean Like even a little bit of a physical aspect of it. So I understand this and I have to just say that by the time we're in midlife, carissa, like Tish and I and so many of our listeners, we've had heartbreak, we've had abandonment, we've maybe had marriages that haven't worked out. You know, so much has built up and I think what you're saying is we're bringing that energy forward and we have to heal that and kind of give it a place to go.

Caris: 28:43

Yeah, absolutely, and it's so. That is such a unifying and normal situation, right? I'm 47, I'm divorced. I'm in a new relationship. I understand firsthand what that journey is. So it's more than you know, and if I hadn't been a love coach, I probably wouldn't have gotten divorced because I wouldn't have had so much faith that something is healthy, that's out there for me it would have been harder for me to do that, to take that step in that way.

Caris: 29:23

But yeah, and there is a heaviness in that energy that sometimes we have so much else that's going on that we just don't have time to address it. But then we get to this place in our lives where we're like our kids are pretty good, like they're self-sufficient to a certain point and I've built my career the way that I need it to be so I can sustain that. I'm not in a building phase with that quite so much now. So now I actually have space to ask myself the question of like, what do I want? For the first time, you know what do I need. And then we're like well, how in the world do I get there? What do I do? You know, once we do that, we're like well, then how do I get there? And it's not just that. I mean that heaviness is sort of something we bring forward, but we also bring this deeper wisdom and a really like, a sense of like I've waited long enough to have that love, I've waited long enough to have that happiness.

Tish: 30:27

Like we have a sense, we have an appreciation for how precious time is, you know, and we and I always thought, like you know, being in midlife, I think I know myself so much better, right, so you would think finding a partner would be easier, but it is so much harder. That's been my experience.

Caris: 30:53

Well, yeah, I mean it usually has to do with how hard part of it is, how hard we have been told that it should be, how hard. We think it's normal for it to be that hard, and we usually are going about it in a lot of ways that everyone is telling us this is what you do, right. So it's like you put yourself out there more and you go to meet up groups and you get online and you do all this stuff. It's like that's what we're supposed to do, right. But if you hate that, if you are-.

Tish: 31:26

I'm exhausted from that. Carissa, I am literally exhausted from just what you said, because that's my path.

Caris: 31:33

Yeah, and the thing is, if you hate that, that's the energy you're bringing is. I don't wanna be here. This should be easier. I wanna be at home watching Netflix with a glass of wine in my crumpy clothes. This sucks, I hate demons. You know if our energy is screaming that Right right.

Caris: 31:55

Because that's the truth and energy doesn't lie. So, whether someone it's online or not, it's just like. When you are looking at anyone online, right, you get a. Have you scrolled through some of these pictures? If you have been online? And you're just like? This person doesn't even look like they're happy with life. Like, why are they not? They're not smiling in any of these pictures. What are they even here on this ad for? Like they're just you know, it's like what's going on in their life that's making them show up like this?

Tish: 32:24

Yeah, yeah, we read each other all the time, subconsciously you know, you know, one of the things that you had talked about that I just love the visual of is this idea of dumping your emotional purse. Yes, can you explain what you mean by that and what's the difference between being open and not dumping your emotional purse all over the place?

Caris: 32:49

Yeah, that's a huge thing. And women who are high achieving women who have done all of these things in other areas of our life, that's an energy that we can sometimes get into, because hustle energy is not unfamiliar to us, like that's part of the reason why we're successful, that's part of the reason why we have lives that we enjoy, you know. But love is different than that, because you don't make love happen, you make love welcome. So there's a different energy there.

Caris: 33:19

So a lot of times, what will happen is we'll come into a situation and we'll be like you know what? I'm tired of all of this. You know, I'm tired of being on these stupid dates and I'm tired of being emotionally invested in somebody and then something dumb comes up, like I'm tired of this. So I'm just gonna go into this situation, I'm gonna go into this date and I'm gonna lay it all out there, like this is what I want, this is what I don't want, this is what I've been through and I'm never gonna go through it again. And it's like that is the definitely our emotional first thing, and what we're telling ourselves and what we tell our friends is like I'm just not gonna play games anymore, I'm just not playing games and it's just like, but we're just like the first thing who's sitting there is just going whoa.

Ellen: 34:03

Yeah, I brought a tote bag. I've brought a tote bag, not just a purse.

Tish: 34:10

But you know, I don't think this is just women though, because I know men that bring the bag back. Oh no definitely, and they unzip the backpack and dump it all over your you're like whoa, that is not unique to women.

Caris: 34:21

You're absolutely right, tish, and yes, absolutely when you're just like oh, wow, I mean, I was on a date once where this man, this poor man bless his heart, he was just like I feel so comfortable with you and I'm like uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, oh.

Tish: 34:40

We only just sat down, we only just sat down.

Caris: 34:42

We were 15 minutes into this, our first date. He's just like I just feel so comfortable with you. And he started to share the journey of his divorce and how difficult that was for him and how much he missed his kids and all these things. And I really, really felt for him and I was just like, wow, when was this? And you know, when did all this happen? And he was like, oh, it was like 10 years ago. Oh.

Caris: 35:05

And I was like, oh, this poor man, oh my goodness. And I literally just was like, look, can I give you a hug? I mean like yeah. And so I gave him a big hug and I was like, okay, look, here's the thing. You have you. This is not the place to heal. Like, your good is not here. You need to look elsewhere for that. And it might not be in a dating situation, you know. But, man, I feel for you and you're gonna make it and it's gonna be better, but you gotta deal with this, Like you really gotta deal with this you know, so I'm just saying this to you with love I'm gonna go.

Caris: 35:47

You have a really good night you know Because Karissa you have an endless supply of clients.

Ellen: 35:58

Oh, it's so true. It's so true. And I know we all make so many mistakes and I think women put up a lot of roadblocks in this dumping of the purse. I think could be one of those but say you're on a first date, what is it that you share? I'm curious Like what do you think is the appropriate amount of sharing?

Caris: 36:19

Well, when I'm on a first date, and what I always tell my clients to do, and I'm not on a first date in a while, now that I'm in a relationship, you know, and it was even further when I was married for 19 years. But what I like to share is what I'm excited about in my life. Mm-hmm.

Caris: 36:37

Yeah, like, what are my passions, what lights me up, you know, and what do I think about things that are going on in the world? Because one of my values is curiosity. So if I start talking about, like, things that are going on in the world, and this other person is like, yeah, I don't really, you know, not really up on that or I don't really care about that, I'm kind of like okay, yeah.

Caris: 37:00

And I also like to think of it like this is just you and me getting to know each other on a date. We're not etching anything into stone of our future. This is not. This is literally. We're just having a fun time getting to know each other.

Caris: 37:12

Yeah, you know, this is fine Because I think that sometimes, like, even if we don't, we might not hit it off and that's fine. You know it was a pleasant evening getting to know another person, you know. So it's like I just ask questions about them. If I pay attention, if they're asking questions about me, I share, about the things I'm passionate about. I definitely let people know that I'm a mom. I definitely let people know you know that I love what I do.

Caris: 37:43

You know I talk about where I wanna be and where I see my life in like four or five years in terms of like me, not like in terms of this is what I want you to do In terms of like you know where I want to travel to and hobbies that I'm interested in. You know developing or places I have traveled to and what that sparked in me. And you know, sometimes the conversation will turn into things that are like things about dreams we've had Like oh, have you ever had that dream where you know this or that thing is happening? Or you know the experiences you have in common in terms of like oh yeah, I'm the oldest of, you know five, two or I'm there it is you know.

Caris: 38:27

But yeah, those are the kind of those are first date conversations, but a lot of times people are like, okay, so what are you looking for?

Caris: 38:32

And no, no, no, no no no, and I think that's great, but what I would tell people to do, rather than doing the whole thing of this person who does, who makes this much money and we live here and this that is to talk about pretend that what they asked you was what do you want to do with someone you are dating Instead of like what do you want in a permanent life partner?

Ellen: 39:01

Right, not what's the end game here, but what do you like to do?

Caris: 39:06

Someone says what are you looking for?

Caris: 39:08

in a partner, I would say, oh, you know what? I'm going to go to Essence Fest and I'm looking for, you know, I would love somebody that likes to do that or likes to go to summer concerts. I love to go to art museums. I love to go to restaurants that are opening. I love to go to the beach. You know, that's what really lights me up. I look at, I talk about that, and if they're like, yeah, but what are you looking for in a partner, I'm like, okay, we can go here a little bit more deeply. But I'm like usually I will say something like well, I really prefer to see how things develop organically, because right now, this is what I'm looking for.

Tish: 39:46

Yeah, so now Carissa dating apps absolutely suck. I know I don't have other people, but for me they just do. I feel like they waste so much of my time and I'm weeding through all these lies and con people and like I'm an expert now at knowing, oh yeah. I'm an expert now to know when they that they really don't live here, or something like that. Right, they don't exist, right.

Ellen: 40:13

They don't exist, pat Fischer.

Tish: 40:14

How do you feel about online dating in the apps? Maybe I'm just not approaching it right, but that's the only way I think to meet people.

Caris: 40:22

to be honest, If that's actually okay. So here's the thing. I'm so glad you said that. I'm so glad you said that Because I would say I mean the vast majority, well over 90% of my clients do not meet their partner online. They meet them in one of three ways, okay, okay. So either someone they do their healing, they clear out their stuff, they get clear, they get clarity about what they want, and then either the person will be someone from your past who you weren't interested in back then. They weren't interested in you back then and they might not have been even available to you or you to them back then, right? So think like when your kids were young, maybe it was like another parent that you just had a great friendly relationship with, but you were married. They were married and you never even really thought about that. Well, now you're both divorced. It's like someone like that comes back into your life.

Caris: 41:14

And it's not you having to do anything to make it happen. It's literally like that's what happens there's some kind of an event, or there's some kind of, or whatever, and they end up coming back into your life. That's one way. The second way is that someone who's in your life right now, who you would never think of that way normally you go through something together that kind of opens up the way you see each other in a new way and like oh, actually you are like romance material and I didn't think of you that way before and

Caris: 41:49

they think of you that way, so it's like someone in your life right now and now. You can see them, yeah, yeah, and they can see you. I had a client who that happened with her. Every single day she was going to work she was a nurse in a hospital Every single day she was going to work and there was this guy who kept just giving her compliments and stuff like that, and she never really thought about it because she was like men give compliments whatever, and she would always kind of write off compliments from men. Anyway, it's just the thing guys do.

Caris: 42:18

One day, after she had been doing this healing, what he said to her was actually different. He said I really want to take you to a spa. And she was like well, I'm not gonna go to a spa with you, like I don't know you, like that and he said no, no, no, I wanna take you to a spa, drop you off at the spa, pay for your treatments and then take you home from the spa, drop you off at your house and me go back to my house, like every time I see you. I just think somebody needs to pamper her. This is a woman who just deserves to be pampered and I want to pamper her Like I want to take care of her, and she was just like what?

Tish: 43:01

Where did she work?

Caris: 43:04

She could hear it, she could actually hear that she spoke to her, that she actually stopped to listen to what he was saying, you know, because she was healed enough to receive that, you know. And then the third way is that you have someone in common with this other person right now and don't realize it. So, with the way that showed up with one of my clients was her aunt was at the dry cleaners waiting in line to drop her stuff off and there was a man who he had come in first, but he let her go first, ahead of him, and she just really liked, he was just really pleasant and he was respectful and he was attractive Not her aunt's age, though was her age and she was like you know, he would be perfect for my niece. I gave him her needs, his phone number, and which was my client and was like call my niece and take her out on a date.

Caris: 43:59

Here's her picture. And he was like okay, and literally they are, they got married. So it's like these things that happen seem like miracles, but they're everyday things. It's like a Jane Austen novel You've ever read a Jane Austen novel? And everything is resolved through like seemingly normal, like circumstances where it's like, oh, they were actually married so she could marry him or like or the men are there in the Jane Austen novels.

Ellen: 44:32

The men are there and they're misunderstood. Right, they understand them. You loved her the whole time. Well, I think that those three ways of meeting people are fascinating and I really can relate to the going back to once you're healed to people in your life that at that time you didn't think about or you know, you just were in your relationship, they were in their relationship, and I do think that that's really fertile ground, right to find someone that you already do know.

Caris: 45:12

Yeah, and I would even suggest, because what I see is that it's not even a situation of having to go and seek them out. It's more of a situation of I've healed my energy, I'm super clear about what I want and then what. John is divorced now. Really, that's amazing. I mean I hope he's okay.

Ellen: 45:41

I think he's okay, right? I mean the other way. I've tried Carissa and I just want to throw this out there because it has not been successful and I think Tish has tried it too. I've gone to like author events at my local bookstore. I've gone to things at the Commonwealth Club again, topics and speakers, and you know, I try to talk to people and they're kind of like what are you talking about, right? I think it is hard in that way. What do you say about? You know, just putting yourself out in that way.

Caris: 46:18

I think that if you've dealt with things in energy and you have your clear picture of what it is that you want in someone, and then you are practicing self-love where and part of self-love is I'm going to this thing because it brings me joy, right? Right.

Caris: 46:37

I'm going to go to this thing because I'm really passionate about this. I hope I get a chance to talk to the author. You know, or I always love this venue and it's so beautiful. I have so many great memories here. When we're in that energy, people just kind of approach us.

Caris: 46:52

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know it's like there's an openness, but it's really hard to not be looking Mm-hmm and you know, even with my clients they'll be like I went to this thing and I was keeping my eyes open and I was like maybe it'll be this person or maybe it won't, you know, and I'm like, yes, I get it, I totally get it, and it's fine to do that, and it's fine to, you know, talk to people, and it's fine to be open and friendly, but if, but, what we need to do at a certain point is actually bring yourself really back into your body. Mm-hmm, and you do that and you start noticing things. What a beautiful color yellow that is. I feel the breeze against my skin and it feels so nice. It's like we need to make ourselves the most important person in our lives again.

Ellen: 47:39

Right In our story, in our story, our story and in that moment, mm-hmm.

Caris: 47:44

You know, we need to come back to that because it's like, very often we are looking for someone to love us, because we have found the experience of learning to love ourselves really difficult or really laborious, time consuming, confusing, what that's supposed to be Right, what does it even mean to love myself? What does that look like in everyday life? How do I know that I love myself enough? Well, like, what does that even mean, you know? And the love of someone else feels like we know what that is. It feels comforting, it feels like a rest fit from you know, all this other stuff that's going on, and it's like this kind of an oasis, right where we can be, like it feels good and it feels warm, it feels lovely and we're held, you know, and it's a beautiful space to be in.

Caris: 48:35

But it doesn't absolve us, I guess, from that journey of loving ourselves. It doesn't. It doesn't excuse us from learning how to be the most important person in our lives, because if we can't be operating, it's like, um, often the work of healing our relationship with our bodies is so important because otherwise it's hard for us to attract someone who loves our body if we don't love our body. Mm, hmm.

Caris: 49:08

You know it's hard for us to attract someone who is comfortable with themselves and comfortable in their own skin If we are not comfortable in our own skin. You know it's hard for us to attract someone who is passionate about life and interested in life and present if we are not moving through life in that way. And so the work is always the deeper relationship with ourself and we get to a point where we don't have to learn our lessons in ways that are really hard to see. Like you know, like I've got this terrible thing happen or this difficult thing happened and I'm gonna take the good out of it and that's what's gonna we go for. It's like, at a certain point, it's okay for everything to be great and for us to actually even be in the relationship and be loved and continuing to learn.

Caris: 49:59

You know we can learn in ways that feel good. A friend and client of mine he had a tattoo on his arm that said something, like you know, growth is impossible without suffering, and I was like, oh my God, I really need. Can you take it off? Like, can you cover it up? Like, can you, because do you want that to be true for you to the point that you?

Caris: 50:26

would break it into your skin.

Ellen: 50:28

Right Wow.

Caris: 50:30

And he was just like oh my God, I'm getting it removed.

Tish: 50:36

Well, that'll be the painful part for him they're getting it removed.

Ellen: 50:41

That's right, I know you just mentioned this, but I think a lot of our listeners and our friends, they're all in relationships and I feel like you do have some advice for them, and I think you just talked about it, which is this kind of self-love continuing to grow. But could you talk to us a little bit about that?

Caris: 51:03

Yeah, Well, one of the things is that when I see people who are single and we talk about self-love and we talk about healing, then they have space in their lives to focus on their self-love, their self-care, creating boundaries, being able to say no, taking excellent care of their physical and emotional and spiritual health, giving themselves experiences that bring them joy. They begin, they do that and that feels great and they're doing it for a while and then they will get into a relationship with someone else and then their focus will shift from loving themselves to loving someone else. And we do always.

Caris: 51:47

Of course, we wanna love other people, but we become less important to ourselves than they do, especially depending on our attachment style. So if we have like an anxious attachment style or something like that, we can especially focus on this other person even more than ourselves, and that continues into a relationship and after a certain point, the things that it's like, we stop growing within that relationship and we even begin to forget the things that we were initially attracted to in each other because we changed so much. We're just not in our happy sense of self, we're just not in that place anymore and things start to suffer like we are sense of humor. We don't think the other person's funny anymore, or they don't think that we're funny anymore and we just. It's one of the biggest kind of signs of like oh, this relationship is going downhill, as we're sitting across from each other at a table and we don't have anything to say.

Ellen: 53:02

We've seen it so many times and I know we've been there, all of us, on this call today. It's easy to have that happen, so is it true?

Tish: 53:12

So, Carissa, here I was gonna say I know I could go on for like another three hours talking to you, but I know we do have to wrap up soon. But what would be one piece of advice that you would give to midlife women to kind of start down this path?

Caris: 53:33

The thing I would tell them, the thing I would say to everyone, is to remember that you don't make love happen, you make love welcome.

Tish: 53:42

I love that, I really love that. I think it's that like when you were talking about the person going in, and I was looking as opposed to as opposed to being that hunter, looking for somebody, to just kind of being open and bringing people in and without for everyone around you, not just only to the people you're attracted to, but just being an open human being to everyone around you, and that energy just shifts things for you. At SoundSide.

Caris: 54:16

Absolutely absolutely.

Ellen: 54:18

I love that making it welcome. It speaks on so many levels. Like Tish said, we love to ask our guests. This last question to Carissa, which is what is your superpower?

Caris: 54:33

I think it's probably giving people bad news in a loving way and then immediately extricating myself from that situation. I love that. That shirt is a superpower. Your good is not here. You're a lovely person and I know that your healing will continue. Bye, wonderful evening. Bless you.

Tish: 55:03

I love that because I think so many times we do feel like trapped, like we have to like help them figure it out.

Caris: 55:08

We think like this is our master clean ethnic, oh no, no, this is not actually. This is not. I can love you as a person and I'm sure you will be okay, and that is how I will take care of you in this moment.

Tish: 55:21

Before we go here, I want to let our listeners know that Carissa has an e-book that people can download for free and we will provide a link for that in the show notes and ways that you can contact her about being a dating coach, a healer. This has been so uplifting. I just feel so light and bubbly after talking to you. It's wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing with us today and it's inspirational.

Ellen: 55:57

I agree, Tish. Thank you, Carissa. I'm walking away from today's podcast, too, with a real feeling of optimism and a commitment to self-love and bringing my best self I think you said your best self, your strongest self to the situations, whatever those situations are dating or otherwise. So we'd like to thank you for joining us today, Carissa, and say till next week mid-lifers. Thank you so much for having me, You're welcome.